Cool One Liner JokesPosted: October 5, 2011
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
I had amnesia once – maybe twice.
Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.