One Liner Jokes

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I’m moving to New York.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 – 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.