Good One Liner Jokes

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

It’s sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Wear a watch and you’ll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you’ll never be sure.

One goldfish says to the other, “If there’s no God, who changes our water every week?”

Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

I’d like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else’s blood.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

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