Funny One Liner Jokes

‘Enjoy these funny one loner jokes to make your friends and family laugh.’

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I’m constantly bothered by bees.

It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

There is no “I” in “Team”, but there are four in “Platitude-Quoting Idiot”.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don’t succeed, try left field.

When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, “I didn’t get to where I am today by listening to people like you!” (thanks to Adam Cochran)

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don’t tell all you know.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? (thanks to Warren)

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet. (thanks to Paul)

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

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