Cool One Liner Jokes

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

Capital punishment isn’t for making examples, it’s for making bad people dead.

My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth – after we’re through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.