Best One Liner Jokes

I bet you I could stop gambling.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

I couldn’t care less about apathy.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Failure is not an option. It’s bundled with your software.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.


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