One Liner Jokes

‘All possibly wonderful, best and funny one liner jokes for fast and improved entertainment’

Girlfriend is like ice cream easily melt able but wife is like hard metal can’t be bent.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I failed Math so many times I can’t even count.

You know that the wives are the most dreadful dream of a person’s life.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Do you know what really amazes me about you?
Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!

Keep honking. I’m reloading.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it’s not a train.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? ” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married to the wrong person.”

I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Teacher: Now kids, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is Seven plus Two?
Kids: At once!

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

If at first you don’t succeed, try left field.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Death is hereditary.

When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, “I didn’t get to where I am today by listening to people like you!”

There are 2 things an average girl wishes: to find the perfect guy and to eat without getting fat.”

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

He who hesitates is boss.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

Wear a watch and you’ll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you’ll never be sure.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I’m constantly bothered by bees.

It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

There is no “I” in “Team”, but there are four in “Platitude-Quoting Idiot”.

One goldfish says to the other, “If there’s no God, who changes our water every week?”

Why are Scientology and Proctology alike?
It is all a load of shit.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


3 Comments on “One Liner Jokes”

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