Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.
Don’t feel sad…don’t feel blue…Frankenstein was ugly too…
What u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?
Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Friend: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”
Wife: “I couldn’t lift the table.”
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Born Free……..Taxed to Death.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’
Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
When in doubt, mumble.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
